"Is it difficult for you to live in such a conservative country?" One of the high school students asked the ex-pat teachers during a He For She meeting.
He for She was a club started and advised by my friend Elise in the high school of the school I worked at. The name refers to a term in a speech given by Emma Watson to promote gender equality. She said that men were essential in working towards equal rights and treatment for women. The club itself had issues with being taken seriously by the school community. Male students very rarely showed up. Usually, the number of foreign teachers outnumbered the students who showed up. Several parents called the school director with a list of complaints about the club. One of the complaints was that the club promoted gender equality. Yes, it did. Living in a conservative country meant being subjected to frequent misogyny.
Even at eight years old, my students had traditional gender roles engrained. At the beginning of the year, the boys in my class would refuse to sit next to the girls. I had a boy in my class tell me that the male teacher on my team should make more than me because he did more work. One day we were talking about Malala and a student told me, "I agree. I don't think girls should go to school." My students were fascinated by the 2016 presidential election, but the only thing they would tell me about Hillary Clinton was that she "killed babies." The students in He For She asked, "Is it difficult for you to live in such a conservative country?" The answer is yes. As a teacher, my frustration came not from my students having different opinions than me. My students formed their ideas and opinions based on what their parents, older siblings, and the church told them. They went to school with students who mostly shared their socioeconomic status, political and religious beliefs. My frustration came from my students never having to think about their opinions because, for the most part, they were the opinions everyone around them shared. Since kindergarten, they were asked to walk in a line of boys and girls, separate their backpacks by boys and girls, and play soccer separately at recess. Catholics make up a big part of the religious population of El Salvador and my school was representative of that. In El Salvador, there is an all-ban on abortion of any form. Women can be sent to prison for miscarrying. It can be dangerous to be surrounded by people who think and believe the exact same things as you. Austin Kleon writes in Keep Going, "interacting with people who don't share our perspective forces us to rethink our ideas, strengthen our ideas, or trade our own ideas for better ones. When we're only interacting with like-minded people all the time, there's less and less opportunity to be changed." My students didn't have to think about their opinions when they had met very few people whose opinions were radically different from their own. Children frequently have less agency of who they spend time and interact with. An adult can go on the internet or turn on the news to find opinions different from their own. However, when given the choice, adults congregate to those with similar views as their own. We unfollow or block people on social media who post things we disagree with. I'm not the exception to this. There is even a certain type of person who teaches abroad. As a solution to this, Kleon references Alan Jacobs who wrote the book How To Think. Kleon wrote, "Jacobs recommends that if you really want to explore ideas, you should consider hanging out with people who aren't so much like-minded as like-hearted. These are people who are 'temperamentally disposed to openness and have habits of listening. . . people who when you say something think about it rather than just simply react." Seek out the like-hearted people who can change opinions and beliefs or strengthen existing ones. Although it was a frequently frustrating experience, my students helped strengthen my own ideas and beliefs. One being, from a young age, kids should be exposed to people who are different from them. But, as my students would say by the end of the year, "well, that's just your opinion."
A note: Sometimes writing ideas come to me fully formed. Those are gifts. Other times, I get ideas as eggs, not fully formed and needing the right conditions to be written about. It could be I don't have the right entry point into the topic or the form isn't clear yet so I sit on those ideas. I've had a draft of this post sitting on my computer for about eight months. This post was an egg, needing space, time, and input of new information. It wasn't until I listened to John Green's podcast, The Anthropocene Reviewed, that I knew I wanted to write about some of my experiences of living in El Salvador as reviews. In the podcast, Green reviews different facets of the human condition on a five-star scale. In addition to listening to The Anthropocene Reviewed, I listened and read things that were sparks to fill in the missing pieces and be able to write about some of my experiences. Here is the first of several reviews of some of my particular experiences as an ex-pat living in El Salvador.
Sitting on the Beach in the Sand
This is the view from one of our favorite Airbnbs in Punta Mango. We usually had the beach to ourselves.
When you live abroad, you quickly learn the art of the weekend trip. Weekend beach trips were one of my favorite things to do in El Salvador. We had the organization of these trips down to a science. An e-mail would go out asking for interest/availability. This would be followed by a spreadsheet to sign up for rides and meals. While each weekend carried its own stories, there was a comforting familiarity of each trip following the same beats. We would arrive in time to watch the sunset from plastic chairs pulled out onto the beach. Days were spent in the endless rotation of hammock, pool, and ocean. The cycle was only interrupted by not-yet dry bodies padding barefoot into the kitchen to refill drinks or to get a snack. Gathering happened for meals, games, and star-lit conversations. Sometimes, depending on the beach, we would have the whole beach to ourselves.
On one beach trip, we shared the beach. I sat on a pulled-out chair and spent a few minutes watching a father and son sitting on the beach. They weren't sitting on chairs. They were sitting, sometimes even lying down directly on the sand. Both were close enough to the water's edge for the waves to reach up and splash over them. Earlier I had been in the water playing an endless game of jump rope with the waves. In some ways, it seemed appealing to sit on the heat of the sand and feel the lap of the waves again. However, the idea was unappealing thinking about sand getting in uncomfortable places and being without a phone to take pictures or DJ. So I stayed in my chair. It was easy to see a pattern of ex-pats sitting in chairs and locals sitting right on the beach.
On one of his last beach trips, a friend boycotted a chair for sitting directly on the sand. He grabbed a bottle of Jimador and took a drink everytime the waves hit him. On our last couple of beach trips, some friends and I also made the move to sit directly on the sand. We were close enough for the waves to hit us, sometimes. It's frequently when things are coming to an end that we most urgently feel the need to pay attention.
From a chair or directly on the beach, there is no incorrect way to experience witnessing the ocean. However, when I felt the sand underneath me and watched the water try to reach me, I realized that one of these experiences demanded giving more of my attention to the beach.
There's no shortage of things for people to give their attention to. Herbert Simon coined the term "attention economy" to explain that with the rapid growth of information causes a scarcity of attention. Our attention is a valuable resource that we only have so much to give. This frequently results in giving shallower attention to many things. With the rise of social media, our attention is frequently more focused on what we view as relevant to us. It is so easy to check your phone for messages when there is a lull in the conversation. Does anyone want to talk to me? The internet uses algorithms to make sure content is relevant to use (because capitalism) because something that is not relevant to us costs our attention. Ads are curated to be of interest. Youtube suggests similar videos to encourage going down rabbit holes. Sometimes things that are not as relevant to us, don't get as much of our attention.
Jenny Odell has studied attention in her book How to Do Nothing. She asks, "How do you do things that capitalism doesn't value? How do you do things that aren't considered productive?" She recognizes that we can't just stop giving our attention so something, like our phones. Instead, she suggests we need to replace it with something else. She answers, "the internet strips us of our sense of place and time, we counter its forces by becoming closer to the natural world." Particularly, she suggests grounding attention to focus on a place and retraining attention to focus on our surroundings.
Sitting directly on the beach, I was grounded more in where I was. In the 1970s, Palmolive had a series of commercials that featured a manicurist named Madge. She would put people's hands in Palmolive dishwashing liquid and tell them, "you're soaking in it." When I sat on the sand, I was soaking in it. I could feel the grit of the sand getting everywhere. I was more aware of the course of the waves, wondering if shoes were far enough up on the beach to not be swept away by a wave. My attention was fully grounded and holding onto the time and place of my surroundings. I give sitting on the sand of a beach 3 1/2 stars. Again, sand gets everywhere.
Lin-Manuel Miranda used to tweet a good morning and good night message of encouragement. He said it was things that he wanted to hear himself. When I write my wish for everyone, it is also things that I hope for myself in the new year and hope that it will resonate with others too. So below is my wish for myself (and everyone) in 2020. Additionally, I have listed some things that I am looking forward to in 2020.
1) Pay Attention
In many ways, we are/become what we pay attention to. I thought quite a bit about attention and what I give attention to in my own life this year. This year, and others, sometimes this included many thoughts of self-doubt or negative feelings that demanded to be felt. This upcoming year, I hope you pay attention to making and being a part of things that bring you joy. Mary Oliver, who died in 2019, gave the instructions for life as "pay attention/be astonished/tell about it."
2) Rest
Burnout, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski, was one of my favorite books I read last year. They talk about the importance of rest to cope with stress and avoid burnout. They write a number that is the percentage of time that people should be resting and preface it by saying they know it will sound high. The percentage they give is 41%, as in we should be resting 41% of the time. There is frequently a need to constantly be productive. With grad school and work, I felt the need to constantly be doing things. Yet, there were times, when I just couldn't. Pay attention to your body. It's okay to rest. In fact, it's necessary.
3) Keep Going
Two artists, Austin Kleon and poet Maggie Smith, both give the advice to keep going. Kleon gives this advice in his book, which is literally titled Keep Going. Smith frequently gives the advice of "keep moving" in her tweets and book coming out in 2020 of the same name. I wrote more this year more than any other year in my life. It took day after day, brick by brick, but I kept going. Pay attention, rest, then keep going.
Movies
Miss. Fisher And The Crypt of Tears I loved the TV series Miss. Fisher's Murder Mysteries, which takes place in Melbourne in the 1920s. I'm so excited for the movie, which takes place in Egypt. It is set to come out in February and through streaming in the United States. In the Heights Lin does such good work. I'm pumped for the movie version of his first musical. The trailer itself is so visually stunning. It comes out on June 26. P.S. I Still Love You The first movie in this trilogy, To All The Boys I've Loved Before, was just like a big hug. I'm excited to continue with these characters in February on Netflix. The Lovebirds This movie had me at it stars Issa Rae and Kumail Nanjiani. It is described as a "wacky murder mystery," which is exactly my jam. It is set to come out on April 3. The Prom This movie is inspired by the musical of the same name. It is directed by Ryan Murphy and has a *chef's kiss cast that includes Meryl Streep, Andrew Rannells, Nicole Kidman, Awkwafina, Keegan-Michael Key, and Kerry Washington. The movie comes out on Netflix in late 2020. Tigertale Tigertale is another movie that is coming from Netflix. It is about a Taiwanese man (played by John Cho) who leaves his life behind to come to the United States.
TV
Olympics Who doesn't love being brought together by the Olympics? I much prefer the summer Olympics because of swimming and gymnastics. I'm excited to watch Simone Biles dominate. They also added five new events: baseball/softball, karate, skateboarding, sport climbing, and surfing. So I guess that will be interesting? Maria Bamford's Weakness Is the Brand Maria Bamford is a comedian from Minnesota. She's one of the comedians I can always go back and still find her comedy funny. Her new special comes out on January 28. The Good Place Finale The Good Place is one of the best shows on TV right now. After each season, I was convinced that the writers had written themselves into a corner. Yet, each season, they managed to pivot so beautifully into a new idea. I'm looking forward to how they brilliantly and thoughtfully end the story of these characters. Insecure The third season of Insecure ended in 2018. I'm looking forwarding to seeing what these characters are up to again. Shrill I loved season one of Shrill. Not a ton has been revealed about the new season, but it is set to premiere on January 24. There are eight episodes instead of six this upcoming season. Shadow and Bone Leigh Bardugo is a queen of fantasy YA with her Grisha trilogyand Six of Crows duology. Netflix is set to adapt a TV show combining these two series. Live-action fantasy can become cheesy very quickly. I'm looking forward to seeing how they adapt this though.
Music
New Dua Lipa album I was in Taiwan when I first started listening to Dua Lipa. It's been a minute. I'm ready for something new from her. Movie-turned Musicals There is a current trend on Broadway right now to adapt movies into musicals. For example, last year I saw the musical version of Mean Girls with my friend Sarah. Some of these are more successful than others. In 2020, they are set to open musicals of 13 Going on 30 (love this movie), Some Like It Hot (okay, I can maybe kind of see this), and The Notebook. I wouldn't be overly excited about the musical version of The Notebook, except the music and lyrics are by Ingrid Michaelson (love!). We'll see if any of these are smashes. Jagged Little Pill Tour One of my favorite things in 2019 was rediscovering Alanis Morissette's album Jagged Little Pill. This summer she is touring to celebrate the album's twenty-fifth anniversary. At many of the spots, Garbage and Liz Phair are also performing with her. She isn't performing in Minnesota, but maybe it will happen.
Books
You all, I had to cut this list way down. This past year was such a good year for books. There's so many good ones coming out next year too. I'm also looking forward to my friend Monica's book, which comes out in 2021. Here is the Goodreads page for it.
Mexican Gothic by Silvia Moreno-Garcia This is pitched as Rebecca and Gone Girl set in a mansion in Mexico in the 1950s. It is a "reimagining of the classic gothic suspense novel." I'm in. It comes out on June 30. Big Friendship by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman I'm a big fan of Aminatou and Ann's podcast Call Your Girlfriend. Their book is set to be a "memoir-manifesto about the ups, downs, and life-changing importance of nurturing and sustaining a friendship." I'm happily read anything on this topic. This book is set to come out in July. The Henna Wars by Adiba Jaigirdar First, the cover of this book is beautiful. It is pitched as When Dimple Met Rishi meets Simon Vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda and is a rom-com about two teen girls with a rival henna business. 😍 This book will be available on May 12. New Curtis Sittenfeld Book In Curtis Sittenfeld's new book, she imagines with Hillary Rodham's life would have been like if she had refused to marry Bill Clinton. Breath Like Water by Anna Jarzab This book is a YA contemporary about swimmers. I just want to read more books about swimmers. The Midnight Lie by Marie Rutkoski I really enjoyed Marie Rutkoski's Winner's Trilogy. I'm looking forward to this series, which is set in the same universe.
Other
Election I'm looking forward to getting Donald Trump out of office. White women, especially, please don't mess this up. Residency For my grad school program, the majority of it is done remotely. However, in January and July, students spend about a week on campus to attend workshops, lectures, and readings. It's school + writing camp, which is my best portal fantasy. I get to go the week after next and it's softening the blow that I have to go back to work tomorrow. Making All the Things This past year I rediscovered how much I love making things from painting to graphic design to interior design to embroidery. In addition to writing, I'm looking forward to making more things. Summer Travel Plans Summer always seems like it is filled with so many possibilities. I haven't been to a new country in seven months, but who's counting? I'm hoping for some reunions, adventures, and new countries this summer.
Hitting My Third Decade Next month, I turn thirty. I've gotten asked quite a bit about how I feel about this birthday. It seems like a milestone, like we made the end of the decade a milestone. More for me, it is has been a reflection of what I want more and less of in this next year and decade. It hasn't been a feeling of dread, it's been a feeling mostly of hope. I'm still younger than Taylor Swift.
Here are some pictures of my year. From left to right: 1)At the forts in San Juan, Puerto Rico on my first solo trip, 2)On a weekend trip to the mountains with friends in El Salvador, 3) My final group picture in El Salvador for trivia/Trojie awards, 4) The view of Machu Picchu, 5) My cohort in my grad school program, 6) My mom and I after goat yoga in California.
This year brought about a lot of change and many firsts. This year I started therapy for the first time. For intake, a question asked if I had experienced any recent, major life changes. It was hard not to laugh. In a span of two months, I had moved back to the United States after spending three years abroad, started grad school, and started a new job. With firsts, the year started off with a trip to Belize with my mom followed by my first ever solo trip to Puerto Rico. In Puerto Rico, I got to see frequent favorite on this blog, Lin-Manuel Miranda perform as Hamilton in Hamilton. Other trips included going to Guatemala for a frisbee tournament, going to Machu Picchu with my parents, and two trips to California to visit my parents. My friend Jacob, from Taiwan, came to visit for a frisbee tournament and my friend Kristen also came to visit. When I moved back to the United States, I was able to enjoy experiences that were less accessible to me abroad. I got to see friends more frequently. I have also enjoyed being able to go to group exercise classes and swim at the Y. I have enjoyed being able to go to concerts and musicals again (so far I have seen Mean Girls, Rent, Six, Carly Rae Jepsen, Lizzo, Jonathan Van Ness, Lake Street Dive, Dear Hank and John). I joined my ukulele group again and got to see members who were still attending the jams after three years. This year also seemed to be a good hair year. I got quite a few compliments on my hair. I got not one, but two offers of people asking me if they could cut it off and make my hair into a wig. Only one of these people worked at a hair salon. Other firsts from this year include: learning to do embroidery, getting a pedicure, renting a car, buying something from a duty-free store, and bribing my way across a border. Here are some of my favorite things/things that brought me joy this year.
Shrill
The representation of fat people in media is rather terrible. Fat characters are rarely given plotlines that are not about wanting to lose weight/being unhappy with their bodies. Shrill is very loosely based on the collection of essays by Lindy West. The show stars Aidy Bryant, who is so good! The show had a diverse writer's room featuring actual fat people! Imagine that! There were moments I cried watching this show because I have thought/been told the same things as Annie. I then later rewatched it with two straight-sized friends. During the pilot a woman comes up to Annie and makes rude comments about her body and losing weight. My friends said, "who says things like that?" It happens all the time. Like all the time! It's nice to see fat representation done well so people can see how frequently fat people are treated so poorly.
In one of the podcasts I listen to, She's All Fat, an ad came on for Cake Plus-Size Resale. This store is located in Minneapolis, so I decided to visit when I was home a couple of summers ago. I enjoy shopping for clothes, but many stores don't carry clothes that fit me or have a very limited selection of clothes that fit me. I have always enjoyed going to thrift stores. Cake is a thrift store that only carries plus sizes. I have found something that I both like and fits me well every time I have gone to the store. Even the signs in the dressing rooms make it very clear that it is a body-positive space.
Libraries
Someone on Twitter asked how often people actually went to their library. I go at least once a week. I needed to checkout/read a lot of books for grad school. I was also just so excited to have access to a library with a wide selection of English books and have yet to get over the frenzy. There were a couple of times when the automatic check-out said I had to go to a person to check out my books. Each of the two times, I set it off because I had the maximum amount of books checked out, which is fifty books. Reader, both times the librarians overrode the limit. Libraries are the best.
Hot Ones
With both grad school and work school, my brain couldn't handle any type of video longer than 20 minutes. It also couldn't watch something that I had to think too hard about. My friend Jared introduced me to Hot Ones when I was living in El Salvador. The show on Youtube is usually right around thirty minutes. The host, Sean Evans, interviews celebrities while they eat progressively hotter wings. This year they interviewed some high profile guests like Kristen Bell, Nick Offerman, and Paul Rudd. I mostly enjoy this because Evans asks thoughtful questions and is a great interviewer. Paul Rudd in his episode even said he didn't think Evans needed the wings shtick because his questions were so thoughtful.
Bonus: Paul Rudd Viral Meme
I enjoy the whole Hot Ones episode with Paul Rudd, because Rudd is so charming. This meme from the episode went viral and at times I just watch it on repeat.
Revisiting Jagged Little Pill
I was five when Jagged Little Pill came out, so I wasn't really aware of Alanis Morriset at that time. My musical tastes at that time were mostly listening to my cassette of Mary-Kate and Ashley songs. As an adult, I know songs from that album. In a scene from Booksmart (also on this list), some high school kids do karaoke to "You Oughta Know." It made me go back and listen to the song. Jagged Little Pill the musical also came out this year. So I've listened to both the original album and the songs from the Broadway cast. It's still good and relevant in 2019.
Joe/Making Memes of Joe
My friend Joe was upset when I left him out of my favorites of 2018 posts. In 2018, and 2019, I also watched hockey with Joe. He brought a lot of joy in my life also because he is a funny and thoughtful person. He also lends himself so well to use him to make memes. Joe has a very expressive face and also has many catchphrases. I found great joy in making memes of Joe for just about every occasion. I've also enjoyed continuing to talk to Joe even with the distance.
Putting My Phone on Airplane Mode
I always put my phone on airplane mode when I go to sleep. This summer during grad school I spent all day in classes and in workshops. I got in the habit of putting my phone on airplane mode. I found it really nice not to worry about my phone or people trying to talk to me. Now, I will put my phone on airplane mode when I'm writing or sometimes for a whole day when I don't want to be bothered. While I enjoy getting messages and hearing from people, I find that there is also a lot of just unnecessary noise and distraction that comes with my phone and social media. Even for short periods of time, it's nice to have a break.
Novels in Verse
I've never been a huge fan of novels in verse. I don't read a lot of poetry in general. This year I read three novels in verse that I really enjoyed. The first, The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo, was recommended to me by my roommate Leah. It is about a Latinx teenager who wants to be a slam poet, but feels oppressed by her family's strong religious beliefs. For grad school I read Inside Out and Back Again by Thannha Lai, which is a middle-grade book about a girl moving to the United States before the Vietnam War. I also enjoyed the YA book, Blood Water Paint by Joy McCullough. It is also historical fiction and tells the story of the Italian Baroque painter Artemisia Gentileschi. Her story is also very topical in 2019.
"Too Much" by Carly Rae Jepsen
This year queen, Carly Rae Jepsen came out with her album Dedicated. It has so many good songs on it. I got to see a Carly Rae Jepsen concert with my friend Tyler in St. Louis. "Too Much" is probably my favorite song off the album. So many of Jepsen's songs talk about falling or being in love. In this song CRJ asks the questions: Is this too much? Am I too much?
Six
The song "Don't Lose Ur Head" was included in the "Hits from Musicals" Playlist on Spotify. It's a banger. It was my gateway into the rest of the Six OBC recording, which follows each of the six of King Henry VIII's ex-wives. I went to see this with my friend Sarah in early December and the musical itself is also very good. I appreciated the music even more after seeing the musical.
Keanu Reeves
This was such a great year for Keanu Reeves. I went down a rabbit hole of watching Keanu Reeves interviews multiple days this year. One of my favorites was when Stephen Colbert asked Keanu, "what happens when we die?" Keanu answered, "I know that the ones who love us will miss us."
Little Women
I love the book. I just silently wept through this whole movie because it is so good. This movie makee such smart changes to the book's structure and highlights the characters so well. I also just want to wear everything that Jo wears.
The Weekend Trip
Living abroad, you learn to make such good use of weekends. In El Salvador, there were many beach and lake weekends. There was even a weekend in the mountains, which was one of my favorite weekends of the past year. We had the art of the weekend trip down. A spreadsheet went out arranging rides and food and there was a particular routine to the weekend. There's something about getting away for just a short period of time, something that I could do more of back in the U.S.
Reading in the Bath
If I had the choice, I would always be in water. Sometimes this proves difficult. I have a lot of reading to do for grad school and now can access more physical copies of books through my library. It seems like a natural pairing to read in the bathtub.
Lizzo
I mean, Lizzo has been on this list for several years. She finally broke out to the public in 2019. People were obsessed with "Truth Hurts" this year. I was obsessed too, when it came out in 2018. "Good As Hell" also played on the radio. I like that song. However, she has an entirely new album out people! On her new album, I especially like "Like A Girl." I went to see Lizzo with my friend Sarah this fall and it was very therapeutic.
Fleabag
I really enjoyed the first season of Fleabag on Amazon. The second season is perfect. Each of the characters has such great and satisfying arcs. Plus there is a hot priest!
Austin Kleon
The above picture is art by Austin Kleon. He is an artist and writer. This year I read his book Keep Going, where he offers how to keep going as an artist. He provides valuable advice in his book, blog, newsletter, and Tumblr about being an artist and the creative process.
Booksmart
This book checks off a lot of my boxes of things I want in books/movie/TV shows. It's about smart and funny teenagers and features a strong female friendship.
Lover by Taylor Swift
#sorrynotsorry to my neighbors who probably got tired of me listening to this album on repeat when it came out. Reputation was a pivot album that while it grew on me a little, it wasn't a standout like 1989 or Red had been. Lover feels authentic to Taylor Swift. Like all good albums, my favorite songs are constantly changing. "Lover" still probably remains my favorite song off of the album and just makes me want to find someone to slow dance with.
Hustlers
Many movies show women from a male gaze. This movie does not show strippers from the male gaze. Jennifer Lopez is so good in this. It's another ensemble comedy about women that works so well.
Lin-Manuel Miranda
Lin had such a great year, as always! He started his year off performing as Hamilton in Puerto Rico (which I got to see!!!!) He got a standing ovation at his entrance. He also starred in His Dark Materials and started Freestyle Love Supreme on Broadway. He's just as great as ever.
Billy on the Street
Lin was on Billy on the Street this year, along with some other great celebrities. Since they put Billy on the Street on Netflix, it was a good way for me to decompress after work when I can't do too much thinking. I still identify strongly with Elena.
"Seth and Rihanna Go Day Drinking"
I find so much joy from this including when Rihanna just yells, "shot for da road."
Come As you Are/Burnout
Come As You Are and Burnout are both written by Emily Nagoski. Burnout is also co-authored by her sister, Amelia Nagoski. I will read anything she writes. I wanted to and took notes while reading both of these books. Come As You Are is about how women having more enjoyable sex and how men's sexuality is frequently defaulted when people talk about sexuality. I think this should be required reading. I was interested in Burnout because last year I felt very burned out from teaching and from emotional caregiving the past year. This book was exactly what I needed. It talks in particular about the burnout faced by women because they are conditioned to have Human Giver Syndrome, putting the wants and needs of others about their own. Every time they mention the patriarchy it is followed by an "(ugh)". Again, I took notes, because there were so many yes moments, including a section where they talk about the treatment of fat bodies.
Making Things
This is one of the paintings I did inspired by my time in El Salvador.
In the book Your Art Will Save Your Life by Beth Pickens she writes, "In my estimation, artists need to be active creatievely in order to be alive, processing the world and other people. . . . Making art is an essential form of self-care in their lives." This is certainly true for me. Making things immensely helps with stress and my mental health. I enjoyed watching both seasons of the maker show Making It this year. It is so soothing to me and it is my Great British Bake-Off. I am so grateful to be able to be in grad school for writing and to be able to be surrounded by a community of writers again. Shoutout to my writing group! In El Salvador, I did some painting, which was very soothing. This year I also learned how to embroider. As Neil Gaiman says, "Make good art."
Knives Out
I love good murder mysteries. There aren't many movies that fit this bill. This movie checked off all of my boxes and featured the best Chris.
The Library Haunter on Twitter
I spent a lot of time on Twitter in the second part of the year because it is one of my preferred methods to procrastinate writing. This is a new Twitter handle I followed which from the bio says "is quality tweets for shy nerds." This handle fits the very narrow niche and my sense of humor.
41 Strange on Twitter
This is another handle I started following on Twitter. It just shows pictures of strange and interesting things.
Friends
As the Beatles said, "I get by with a little help from my friends." I get by with a lot of help with my friends. So much so that when I was making this list, I wrote friends twice. They make me better and provide constant support, even when they frequently live far away. I love my people. I'm grateful for my people.
"Well, I've been 'fraid of changin' 'cause I built my life around you." --"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac
Goodbyes from Namibia (top) and Taiwan (bottom) If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend being group-hugged by a bunch of pre-schoolers.
Inevitably, I've had
to say a lot of goodbyes in my life. As a teacher, each year I say goodbye to a
group of students who so tenderly and openly shared their lives with me. Each
year of teaching abroad, I've had to say goodbye to friends who I've collectively
shared personal and professional lives with. When I was leaving Taiwan, I was
so afraid that the goodbye would mark the start of the end of our friendship. What
if our friendship was just held together by proximity and a shared experience? I
now know that this is not true. I still keep in contact with my friends from
Taiwan. When I moved abroad, I still remained friends with people back home. I
know now that moving away doesn't mean a goodbye forever. However, it does mean
change.
After we had left
Taiwan, Tyler texted me asking me who he was going to talk to about certain
things now that we were far apart. I told him we could still talk about those
things. “BUT IT WON’T BE THE SAME,” he text-shouted back to me. He was right. It
wasn’t. Moving away means knowing less of the ins and outs of my friends’ lives.
It’s harder to have deeper conversations when conversations are less frequent.
I can no longer just take the elevator or take a short walk to their apartment.
The hardest part of saying goodbye for me is not the goodbye itself. It’s knowing
that we shared something special together and leaving means our relationship is
inevitably going to change. For me, that change is hard to swallow when you
have built your life around those people for a year or two.
Washington: One last time/relax, have a drink with me/one last time
--"One Last Time," from Hamilton
In the months leading up
to leaving, I listened to the song "One Last Time" from Hamilton on
repeat. In the song, George Washington tells Hamilton that he will
be stepping down as president after his term. He has Hamilton help him write a
letter telling this to the people of the United States and saying goodbye. (I
listened to both the original Broadway cast version and the 44 Remix where
Barack Obama reads Washington's letter). The song resonated with me at that
time for several reasons. For one, I was experiencing a lot of last times of
different things in El Salvador. There were experiences that I knew would be
my last time. I wanted to remember everything from those last times and make it
significant.
There were other experiences that I did without knowing it would
be the last time. While I was ready to move on from El Salvador, there
were times where I wanted time to stop so I could live in those moments
forever. There were late-night conversations that ended with the best hugs where
I was always so lovingly encouraged to be unapologetically myself. There was
watching sunsets on the beach with a group of people in companionable
silence. There were weekend trips with rides in the back of pickup trucks.
People asked and answered and questions without being afraid of being
vulnerable. There, I was reminded of how complicated it is to be human in this
world. In those times, I wanted to put my feet down and drag my heels so I
could stay right there and preserve those moments. But that's not how time
works.
Hamilton: Why do you have to say goodbye?
Washington: If I say goodbye, the nation learns to move on.It outlives me when I'm gone.
--"One Last Time," from Hamilton
When I graduated high school, it was the first time I realized
that while the school had an impact on my life, I had very little impact on
the school. The school would exist and continue without me. A new class would
take our place with nothing more but a "thank you, next." In Namibia,
I was heartbroken to leave but knew also that a new group of teachers would
come to fill my place. Every year I get new students and my old students get
new teachers. There's something both terrifying and comforting that the cycle
of change is constant and inevitable. You learn to move on because you
have to.
During my first year in El Salvador, a large group of us drove to Copan together. I was in a car with my friends Jared, Elise, and Graham. They had all been in El Salvador for at least a year. They talked about some of the teachers who had moved onto other places and had not returned for this school year. I hadn’t met any of these people, so all I could do was listen to the stories they shared about these people. Jared said I would do the same thing to the new people who came the following year. When I returned to El Salvador for my second year, there were people who left whose absences were felt. I did the same thing to the new people that Jared said I would. We told them stories of the people who had come before them. We told them that they would do the same thing to the new people the next year when some of us were gone. When you are used to someone being around, you feel their absence. While the missing seems like a constant acute pang at first, it settles into being more bearable with more time. You learn to move on and the absence of those people become the new normal. Eventually, it just turns into occasional happy reminders of, "aww, this reminds me of _____."
As much as I'd like to think I'm irreplaceable, I know that
someone will fill my job and the house where I lived. They won't fill the exact
roles in my friends' lives, just as new people in my life won’t replace my old
ones. However, they will fill a role that my friends didn't know they needed in
their lives until that person came along. It seems to always work out that
way.
Washington: We have to teach 'em how to say goodbye.
--"One Last Time," from Hamilton
"I'm not that good at goodbyes/Sometimes it's best to just fly/Ask where we're going, oh, I/Can't talk about it, can't talk about it/'Cause I'm just going to the store to the store/I'm just goin' to the store/You might not see me anymore, anymore/I'm just going to the store"
--"Store," by Carly Rae Jepsen
Even though I have said a lot of goodbyes, like Carly Rae Jepsen,
I don't feel like I am good at goodbyes. Can you be? I was curious to see if
there were any helpful articles about goodbyes online. I don’t think they are
particularly helpful, but I was amused to find that there are several articles on wikiHow. There is a
wikiHow on how to say goodbye. They also have specific ones
for saying goodbye to coworker and how to say goodbye to your best friend
who is moving, which I guess could be reverse-engineered. In the
basic how-to-say-goodbye wikiHow it just suggests making goodbyes brief and
sincere. How do you impart the weight of what someone meant to you briefly? As one of my friends said to another, "I just don't want to
leave anything left unsaid."
My goodbyes in El Salvador varied. There were people I didn't see
one last time to say goodbye. There were the honest/realistic goodbyes of
"I'll probably never see you again. Have a nice life." There were some
"I'll miss yous" and "I love yous" and "I'm glad your
forced your friendship on me." I received a lovely letter. There were goodbyes that were a refusal to
say goodbye.
My last few hours in El Salvador, I got waffles with a group of
friends. We walked back to the complejo together listening to goodbye songs
like "Graduation" and "Good Riddance (Time of Our Lives)." People said goodbye and peeled off one-by-one as we got to each house in the complejo. I
finished packing. Leah and I sat in our entryway on Jess and Vanessa's furniture,
which had been moved into our house. Jared and Elise joined us. Vanessa joined
us. The van to the airport came. I said goodbye to everyone, then Jess
showed up just in time for a goodbye. When I got into the van, "Stay"
by Maurice Williams was playing. It crooned, "Oh won't you stay, just a little
bit longer."
So to all my friends still in El Salvador and
the ones who have moved on, one last time, goodbye. I'll miss you. I love you. Our time
together was important to me. A goodbye for now, doesn't mean goodbye forever.
From experience, time apart makes reunions all that much sweeter.
In January, I went to Puerto Rico on my first ever solo trip. The main purpose of the trip was to go see the national treasure, Lin-Manuel Miranda, perform in Hamilton but I had planned for a whole week to explore Puerto Rico. I had rented a car for a few days, which when you're staying in a hostel automatically increases your popularity. The day before the older Bulgarian woman who I was sharing a room with asked if she could come along with me for the day. We'll call her Ana. I told her she could, but that I wanted to leave the next morning at 10. This seemed like a reasonable hour to compromise on, especially since I would be up way before then. At 9:30, she was up and I reminded her that I wanted to leave by 10. "I'll try," she responded. I wanted to quote Yoda back to her. Do or do not. There is no try. At this point, the Finnish woman, we'll call her Julia, who was also sharing a room with us asked if she could also come too. Why not? At the very least it might be nice to have someone help give directions. At 10, I went into our room to ask Ana if she was ready to leave. She was not. She was putting on a nail treatment on her feet and said it would need time to dry. She said I could leave without her but I felt bad doing that since we were sharing a room. At 10:20, everyone was ready and we finally hit the road. I was a little irritated because I had been up since about 5:30. If I hadn't had to wait for her, I would have been on the road hours ago. The first stop was a cave that I had picked out to go to. When we were buying tickets, Ana looked like she did not want to do this but she didn't say anything. My original plan for the day was to go to the cave, then to the nearby largest radio telescope. However, after the cave, it was almost lunchtime. I didn't bother asking if they wanted to go see the telescope, they were more interested in getting lunch and going to the beach.
Cueva Ventana, or Windo Cave
We got to the beach and found some street stands to get lunch. I translated the mostly-meat options to Julia. She gave me a strange look. "Are you vegetarian?" I asked. She nodded her head. We drove around to several different restaurants and looked at the menus. It took three tries to find one that she wanted to eat at. After we found something to eat, we ended our day with sunset on the beach.
Just one of the many beautiful beaches in Puerto Rico
At the end of the day, it wasn't a bad day. However, it occurred to me that I would have done things differently if it had just been me. I had come to Puerto Rico be by myself and with just a couple of days left on the trip, I hadn't spent much time solo. When I was first settling in, it was nice to have people in the hostel give suggestions and offer to go do things with me. It was also sometimes nice to have someone around to help with directions. Although Ana's directions of "drive towards the ocean" weren't overly helpful when you're on an island. As the week had gone on though, I found myself craving time by myself but felt guilty for declining social invitations. I had wanted to go on a solo trip so I could do what I wanted and I wouldn't have to accommodate other people. On my trip, I still found myself accommodating other people. The worst part of it was I wasn't working to accommodate friends or family members, these people were strangers I would never see again.
The next morning I was determined to get some solo time on my solo vacation and to not spend another day accommodating other people. I left as soon as I got up. I got in the car and just started driving. There was something that I noticed when I was by myself: I stopped asking for permission. I had a destination in mind but I made several side trips and stops along the way. The next day I also spent by myself. I took my time exploring the forts of San Juan, stopping frequently to take pictures. If I saw a store I wanted to go in, I went in it. I didn't need to ask somebody if it was okay or let someone know. It was liberating. My last full day in Puerto Rico I went to see Hamilton by myself. The last three days of my vacation were my favorite because I could do exactly what I wanted to do because I didn't have to think of anyone besides myself. I gave myself permission to do what I wanted to do.
The view of Old San Juan from one of the forts. I stopped to take a lot of pictures when I was by myself.
Admittedly, I'm guilty of being overly-accommodating to other people. I'm also guilty of not giving myself permission to put my wants and needs first. I think this comes from a couple of different places. As a woman, it is engrained that we should do things to make others comfortable. This includes things from being a good hostess to moving off the sidewalk if someone is walking towards you. In the classroom, the needs of my students are frequently prioritized over my own. I've given up personal time hunting down lost lunchboxes, talking to a parent or colleague with concerns about a student, or setting up for science labs. As a friend, I have been the person that people come to talk to about their issues. I am grateful that people feel like they can come to talk to me, but it sometimes comes at the cost of frequently putting the needs of others before my own. Making people comfortable, being considerate of students, and listening to friends aren't bad actions. However, they can be harmful when they are constantly put in front of your own mental, emotional, or physical health. I have often felt emotionally exhausted and burnt out from taking care of others over myself. I took this trip in January, a time for new beginnings. I'm not one for resolutions, but made the point that in the new year I could stand to be a little bit more selfish. I could give myself permission to do more to put myself first, from voicing and doing what I wanted to do to be okay with doing things by myself. I had a place I wanted to start too.
Jonathan van Ness serving up some realness on Queer Eye.
The summer before I left for El Salvador, I met with my friend Monica at a local bakery. We met there almost weekly to eat, talk about books and publishing, and write. It came up in the conversation about how our friend Jon was getting his MFA in writing for children and young adults. "You should apply," Monica urged. Our meal ended again with the action steps we were going to take. "So, you're going to apply for Hamline," Monica said again. (Writers are the most supportive group of people you will ever meet.) The seed was planted. My initial reaction to her telling me to apply was I can't do that. In some ways, it seemed frivolous. Many writers debate the usefulness of an MFA. You don't need an MFA to be a writer. Currently, I am debt-free and it would possibly mean going in debt to pursue the degree. But for me, the program was not only about improving my writing. It's about giving myself permission to put writing first. Writing is something that I have always wanted to do, so it was also giving me permission to put myself first. The program is a low-residency, which means the majority is done remotely. I go to campus for a week-long residency in July and January. While I wouldn't necessarily have needed to move back to the U.S., I felt it was necessary to put writing first. When I lived in Minneapolis previously, I found myself surrounded by such a strong writing community. So I did it. I applied and got in and already finished my first residency. Who gave me permission to make writing a priority in my life? I guess I did.
