My Favorites of 2019

Here are some pictures of my year. From left to right: 1)At the forts in San Juan, Puerto Rico on my first solo trip, 2)On a weekend trip to the mountains with friends in El Salvador, 3) My final group picture in El Salvador for trivia/Trojie awards, 4) The view of Machu Picchu, 5) My cohort in my grad school program, 6) My mom and I after goat yoga in California. 

This year brought about a lot of change and many firsts. This year I started therapy for the first time. For intake, a question asked if I had experienced any recent, major life changes. It was hard not to laugh. In a span of two months, I had moved back to the United States after spending three years abroad, started grad school, and started a new job. With firsts, the year started off with a trip to Belize with my mom followed by my first ever solo trip to Puerto Rico. In Puerto Rico, I got to see frequent favorite on this blog, Lin-Manuel Miranda perform as Hamilton in Hamilton. Other trips included going to Guatemala for a frisbee tournament, going to Machu Picchu with my parents, and two trips to California to visit my parents. My friend Jacob, from Taiwan, came to visit for a frisbee tournament and my friend Kristen also came to visit. When I moved back to the United States, I was able to enjoy experiences that were less accessible to me abroad. I got to see friends more frequently. I have also enjoyed being able to go to group exercise classes and swim at the Y. I have enjoyed being able to go to concerts and musicals again (so far I have seen Mean Girls, Rent, Six, Carly Rae Jepsen, Lizzo, Jonathan Van Ness, Lake Street Dive, Dear Hank and John). I joined my ukulele group again and got to see members who were still attending the jams after three years. This year also seemed to be a good hair year. I got quite a few compliments on my hair. I got not one, but two offers of people asking me if they could cut it off and make my hair into a wig. Only one of these people worked at a hair salon. Other firsts from this year include: learning to do embroidery, getting a pedicure, renting a car, buying something from a duty-free store, and bribing my way across a border. Here are some of my favorite things/things that brought me joy this year. 

Shrill

The representation of fat people in media is rather terrible. Fat characters are rarely given plotlines that are not about wanting to lose weight/being unhappy with their bodies. Shrill is very loosely based on the collection of essays by Lindy West. The show stars Aidy Bryant, who is so good!  The show had a diverse writer's room featuring actual fat people! Imagine that! There were moments I cried watching this show because I have thought/been told the same things as Annie. I then later rewatched it with two straight-sized friends. During the pilot a woman comes up to Annie and makes rude comments about her body and losing weight. My friends said, "who says things like that?" It happens all the time. Like all the time! It's nice to see fat representation done well so people can see how frequently fat people are treated so poorly.

Cake Plus-Size Resale

In one of the podcasts I listen to, She's All Fat, an ad came on for Cake Plus-Size Resale. This store is located in Minneapolis, so I decided to visit when I was home a couple of summers ago. I enjoy shopping for clothes, but many stores don't carry clothes that fit me or have a very limited selection of clothes that fit me. I have always enjoyed going to thrift stores. Cake is a thrift store that only carries plus sizes. I have found something that I both like and fits me well every time I have gone to the store. Even the signs in the dressing rooms make it very clear that it is a body-positive space. 

Libraries

Someone on Twitter asked how often people actually went to their library. I go at least once a week. I needed to checkout/read a lot of books for grad school. I was also just so excited to have access to a library with a wide selection of English books and have yet to get over the frenzy. There were a couple of times when the automatic check-out said I had to go to a person to check out my books. Each of the two times, I set it off because I had the maximum amount of books checked out, which is fifty books. Reader, both times the librarians overrode the limit. Libraries are the best.

Hot Ones

With both grad school and work school, my brain couldn't handle any type of video longer than 20 minutes. It also couldn't watch something that I had to think too hard about. My friend Jared introduced me to Hot Ones when I was living in El Salvador. The show on Youtube is usually right around thirty minutes. The host, Sean Evans, interviews celebrities while they eat progressively hotter wings. This year they interviewed some high profile guests like Kristen Bell, Nick Offerman, and Paul Rudd. I mostly enjoy this because Evans asks thoughtful questions and is a great interviewer. Paul Rudd in his episode even said he didn't think Evans needed the wings shtick because his questions were so thoughtful.

Bonus: Paul Rudd Viral Meme

I enjoy the whole Hot Ones episode with Paul Rudd, because Rudd is so charming. This meme from the episode went viral and at times I just watch it on repeat.

Revisiting Jagged Little Pill 

I was five when Jagged Little Pill came out, so I wasn't really aware of Alanis Morriset at that time. My musical tastes at that time were mostly listening to my cassette of Mary-Kate and Ashley songs. As an adult, I know songs from that album. In a scene from Booksmart (also on this list), some high school kids do karaoke to "You Oughta Know." It made me go back and listen to the song. Jagged Little Pill the musical also came out this year. So I've listened to both the original album and the songs from the Broadway cast. It's still good and relevant in 2019.

Joe/Making Memes of Joe

My friend Joe was upset when I left him out of my favorites of 2018 posts. In 2018, and 2019, I also watched hockey with Joe. He brought a lot of joy in my life also because he is a funny and thoughtful person. He also lends himself so well to use him to make memes.  Joe has a very expressive face and also has many catchphrases. I found great joy in making memes of Joe for just about every occasion. I've also enjoyed continuing to talk to Joe even with the distance.

Putting My Phone on Airplane Mode

I always put my phone on airplane mode when I go to sleep. This summer during grad school I spent all day in classes and in workshops. I got in the habit of putting my phone on airplane mode. I found it really nice not to worry about my phone or people trying to talk to me. Now, I will put my phone on airplane mode when I'm writing or sometimes for a whole day when I don't want to be bothered. While I enjoy getting messages and hearing from people, I find that there is also a lot of just unnecessary noise and distraction that comes with my phone and social media. Even for short periods of time, it's nice to have a break.

Novels in Verse

I've never been a huge fan of novels in verse. I don't read a lot of poetry in general. This year I read three novels in verse that I really enjoyed. The first, The Poet X by Elizabeth Acevedo, was recommended to me by my roommate Leah. It is about a Latinx teenager who wants to be a slam poet, but feels oppressed by her family's strong religious beliefs. For grad school I read Inside Out and Back Again by Thannha Lai, which is a middle-grade book about a girl moving to the United States before the Vietnam War. I also enjoyed the YA book, Blood Water Paint by Joy McCullough. It is also historical fiction and tells the story of the Italian Baroque painter Artemisia Gentileschi. Her story is also very topical in 2019.  

"Too Much" by Carly Rae Jepsen

This year queen, Carly Rae Jepsen came out with her album Dedicated. It has so many good songs on it. I got to see a Carly Rae Jepsen concert with my friend Tyler in St. Louis. "Too Much" is probably my favorite song off the album. So many of Jepsen's songs talk about falling or being in love. In this song CRJ asks the questions: Is this too much? Am I too much?

Six

The song "Don't Lose Ur Head" was included in the "Hits from Musicals" Playlist on Spotify. It's a banger. It was my gateway into the rest of the Six OBC recording, which follows each of the six of King Henry VIII's ex-wives. I went to see this with my friend Sarah in early December and the musical itself is also very good. I appreciated the music even more after seeing the musical.

Keanu Reeves

This was such a great year for Keanu Reeves. I went down a rabbit hole of watching Keanu Reeves interviews multiple days this year. One of my favorites was when Stephen Colbert asked Keanu, "what happens when we die?" Keanu answered, "I know that the ones who love us will miss us." 

Little Women

I love the book. I just silently wept through this whole movie because it is so good. This movie makee such smart changes to the book's structure and highlights the characters so well. I also just want to wear everything that Jo wears. 

The Weekend Trip

Living abroad, you learn to make such good use of weekends. In El Salvador, there were many beach and lake weekends. There was even a weekend in the mountains, which was one of my favorite weekends of the past year. We had the art of the weekend trip down. A spreadsheet went out arranging rides and food and there was a particular routine to the weekend.  There's something about getting away for just a short period of time, something that I could do more of back in the U.S.

Reading in the Bath

If I had the choice, I would always be in water. Sometimes this proves difficult. I have a lot of reading to do for grad school and now can access more physical copies of books through my library. It seems like a natural pairing to read in the bathtub.

Lizzo

I mean, Lizzo has been on this list for several years. She finally broke out to the public in 2019. People were obsessed with "Truth Hurts" this year. I was obsessed too, when it came out in 2018. "Good As Hell" also played on the radio. I like that song. However, she has an entirely new album out people! On her new album, I especially like "Like A Girl." I went to see Lizzo with my friend Sarah this fall and it was very therapeutic.

Fleabag

I really enjoyed the first season of Fleabag on Amazon. The second season is perfect. Each of the characters has such great and satisfying arcs. Plus there is a hot priest!

Austin Kleon

The above picture is art by Austin Kleon. He is an artist and writer. This year I read his book Keep Going, where he offers how to keep going as an artist. He provides valuable advice in his book, blog, newsletter, and Tumblr about being an artist and the creative process. 

Booksmart

This book checks off a lot of my boxes of things I want in books/movie/TV shows. It's about smart and funny teenagers and features a strong female friendship.

Lover by Taylor Swift

#sorrynotsorry to my neighbors who probably got tired of me listening to this album on repeat when it came out. Reputation was a pivot album that while it grew on me a little, it wasn't a standout like 1989 or Red had been. Lover feels authentic to Taylor Swift. Like all good albums, my favorite songs are constantly changing. "Lover" still probably remains my favorite song off of the album and just makes me want to find someone to slow dance with.

Hustlers

Many movies show women from a male gaze. This movie does not show strippers from the male gaze. Jennifer Lopez is so good in this. It's another ensemble comedy about women that works so well.

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lin had such a great year, as always! He started his year off performing as Hamilton in Puerto Rico (which I got to see!!!!) He got a standing ovation at his entrance. He also starred in His Dark Materials and started Freestyle Love Supreme on Broadway. He's just as great as ever. 

Billy on the Street

Lin was on Billy on the Street this year, along with some other great celebrities. Since they put Billy on the Street on Netflix, it was a good way for me to decompress after work when I can't do too much thinking. I still identify strongly with Elena. 

"Seth and Rihanna Go Day Drinking"

I find so much joy from this including when Rihanna just yells, "shot for da road."

Come As you Are/Burnout

Come As You Are and Burnout are both written by Emily Nagoski. Burnout is also co-authored by her sister, Amelia Nagoski. I will read anything she writes. I wanted to and took notes while reading both of these books. Come As You Are is about how women having more enjoyable sex and how men's sexuality is frequently defaulted when people talk about sexuality. I think this should be required reading. I was interested in Burnout because last year I felt very burned out from teaching and from emotional caregiving the past year. This book was exactly what I needed. It talks in particular about the burnout faced by women because they are conditioned to have Human Giver Syndrome, putting the wants and needs of others about their own. Every time they mention the patriarchy it is followed by an "(ugh)". Again, I took notes, because there were so many yes moments, including a section where they talk about the treatment of fat bodies.

Making Things

This is one of the paintings I did inspired by my time in El Salvador. 

In the book Your Art Will Save Your Life by Beth Pickens she writes, "In my estimation, artists need to be active creatievely in order to be alive, processing the world and other people. . . . Making art is an essential form of self-care in their lives." This is certainly true for me. Making things immensely helps with stress and my mental health. I enjoyed watching both seasons of the maker show Making It this year. It is so soothing to me and it is my Great British Bake-Off. I am so grateful to be able to be in grad school for writing and to be able to be surrounded by a community of writers again. Shoutout to my writing group! In El Salvador, I did some painting, which was very soothing. This year I also learned how to embroider. As Neil Gaiman says, "Make good art."

Knives Out

I love good murder mysteries. There aren't many movies that fit this bill. This movie checked off all of my boxes and featured the best Chris.

The Library Haunter on Twitter

I spent a lot of time on Twitter in the second part of the year because it is one of my preferred methods to procrastinate writing. This is a new Twitter handle I followed which from the bio says "is quality tweets for shy nerds." This handle fits the very narrow niche and my sense of humor.

41 Strange on Twitter

This is another handle I started following on Twitter. It just shows pictures of strange and interesting things. 

Friends

As the Beatles said, "I get by with a little help from my friends." I get by with a lot of help with my friends. So much so that when I was making this list, I wrote friends twice. They make me better and provide constant support, even when they frequently live far away. I love my people. I'm grateful for my people. 

This Is a Goodbye Song

"Well, I've been 'fraid of changin' 'cause I built my life around you." --"Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac 

Goodbyes from Namibia (top) and Taiwan (bottom) If you ever get the chance, I highly recommend being group-hugged by a bunch of pre-schoolers. 

        Inevitably, I've had to say a lot of goodbyes in my life. As a teacher, each year I say goodbye to a group of students who so tenderly and openly shared their lives with me. Each year of teaching abroad, I've had to say goodbye to friends who I've collectively shared personal and professional lives with. When I was leaving Taiwan, I was so afraid that the goodbye would mark the start of the end of our friendship. What if our friendship was just held together by proximity and a shared experience? I now know that this is not true. I still keep in contact with my friends from Taiwan. When I moved abroad, I still remained friends with people back home. I know now that moving away doesn't mean a goodbye forever. However, it does mean change.

        After we had left Taiwan, Tyler texted me asking me who he was going to talk to about certain things now that we were far apart. I told him we could still talk about those things. “BUT IT WON’T BE THE SAME,” he text-shouted back to me. He was right. It wasn’t. Moving away means knowing less of the ins and outs of my friends’ lives. It’s harder to have deeper conversations when conversations are less frequent. I can no longer just take the elevator or take a short walk to their apartment. The hardest part of saying goodbye for me is not the goodbye itself. It’s knowing that we shared something special together and leaving means our relationship is inevitably going to change. For me, that change is hard to swallow when you have built your life around those people for a year or two. 

   Washington: One last time/relax, have a drink with me/one last time

                               --"One Last Time," from Hamilton

In the months leading up to leaving, I listened to the song "One Last Time" from Hamilton on repeat. In the song, George Washington tells Hamilton that he will be stepping down as president after his term. He has Hamilton help him write a letter telling this to the people of the United States and saying goodbye. (I listened to both the original Broadway cast version and the 44 Remix where Barack Obama reads Washington's letter). The song resonated with me at that time for several reasons. For one, I was experiencing a lot of last times of different things in El Salvador. There were experiences that I knew would be my last time. I wanted to remember everything from those last times and make it significant. 

There were other experiences that I did without knowing it would be the last time. While I was ready to move on from El Salvador, there were times where I wanted time to stop so I could live in those moments forever. There were late-night conversations that ended with the best hugs where I was always so lovingly encouraged to be unapologetically myself. There was watching sunsets on the beach with a group of people in companionable silence. There were weekend trips with rides in the back of pickup trucks. People asked and answered and questions without being afraid of being vulnerable. There, I was reminded of how complicated it is to be human in this world. In those times, I wanted to put my feet down and drag my heels so I could stay right there and preserve those moments. But that's not how time works. 

Hamilton: Why do you have to say goodbye?

Washington: If I say goodbye, the nation learns to move on. It outlives me when I'm gone. 

--"One Last Time," from Hamilton

When I graduated high school, it was the first time I realized that while the school had an impact on my life, I had very little impact on the school. The school would exist and continue without me. A new class would take our place with nothing more but a "thank you, next." In Namibia, I was heartbroken to leave but knew also that a new group of teachers would come to fill my place. Every year I get new students and my old students get new teachers. There's something both terrifying and comforting that the cycle of change is constant and inevitable. You learn to move on because you have to.

During my first year in El Salvador, a large group of us drove to Copan together. I was in a car with my friends Jared, Elise, and Graham. They had all been in El Salvador for at least a year. They talked about some of the teachers who had moved onto other places and had not returned for this school year. I hadn’t met any of these people, so all I could do was listen to the stories they shared about these people. Jared said I would do the same thing to the new people who came the following year. When I returned to El Salvador for my second year, there were people who left whose absences were felt. I did the same thing to the new people that Jared said I would. We told them stories of the people who had come before them. We told them that they would do the same thing to the new people the next year when some of us were gone. When you are used to someone being around, you feel their absence. While the missing seems like a constant acute pang at first, it settles into being more bearable with more time. You learn to move on and the absence of those people become the new normal. Eventually, it just turns into occasional happy reminders of, "aww, this reminds me of _____."

As much as I'd like to think I'm irreplaceable, I know that someone will fill my job and the house where I lived. They won't fill the exact roles in my friends' lives, just as new people in my life won’t replace my old ones. However, they will fill a role that my friends didn't know they needed in their lives until that person came along. It seems to always work out that way. 

Washington: We have to teach 'em how to say goodbye.  

--"One Last Time," from Hamilton 

"I'm not that good at goodbyes/Sometimes it's best to just fly/Ask where we're going, oh, I/Can't talk about it, can't talk about it/'Cause I'm just going to the store to the store/I'm just goin' to the store/You might not see me anymore, anymore/I'm just going to the store"

--"Store," by Carly Rae Jepsen

Even though I have said a lot of goodbyes, like Carly Rae Jepsen, I don't feel like I am good at goodbyes. Can you be? I was curious to see if there were any helpful articles about goodbyes online. I don’t think they are particularly helpful, but I was amused to find that there are several articles on wikiHow. There is a wikiHow on how to say goodbye. They also have specific ones for saying goodbye to coworker and how to say goodbye to your best friend who is moving, which I guess could be reverse-engineered. In the basic how-to-say-goodbye wikiHow it just suggests making goodbyes brief and sincere. How do you impart the weight of what someone meant to you briefly? As one of my friends said to another, "I just don't want to leave anything left unsaid." 

My goodbyes in El Salvador varied. There were people I didn't see one last time to say goodbye. There were the honest/realistic goodbyes of "I'll probably never see you again. Have a nice life." There were some "I'll miss yous" and "I love yous" and "I'm glad your forced your friendship on me." I received a lovely letter. There were goodbyes that were a refusal to say goodbye. 

My last few hours in El Salvador, I got waffles with a group of friends. We walked back to the complejo together listening to goodbye songs like "Graduation" and "Good Riddance (Time of Our Lives)." People said goodbye and peeled off one-by-one as we got to each house in the complejo. I finished packing. Leah and I sat in our entryway on Jess and Vanessa's furniture, which had been moved into our house. Jared and Elise joined us. Vanessa joined us. The van to the airport came. I said goodbye to everyone, then Jess showed up just in time for a goodbye. When I got into the van, "Stay" by Maurice Williams was playing. It crooned, "Oh won't you stay, just a little bit longer." 

So to all my friends still in El Salvador and the ones who have moved on, one last time, goodbye. I'll miss you. I love you. Our time together was important to me. A goodbye for now, doesn't mean goodbye forever. From experience, time apart makes reunions all that much sweeter. 

Who Gave You Permission?

       In January, I went to Puerto Rico on my first ever solo trip. The main purpose of the trip was to go see the national treasure, Lin-Manuel Miranda, perform in Hamilton but I had planned for a whole week to explore Puerto Rico. I had rented a car for a few days, which when you're staying in a hostel automatically increases your popularity. The day before the older Bulgarian woman who I was sharing a room with asked if she could come along with me for the day. We'll call her Ana. I told her she could, but that I wanted to leave the next morning at 10. This seemed like a reasonable hour to compromise on, especially since I would be up way before then. At 9:30, she was up and I reminded her that I wanted to leave by 10. 

     "I'll try," she responded. 

     I wanted to quote Yoda back to her. Do or do not. There is no try.
     At this point, the Finnish woman, we'll call her Julia, who was also sharing a room with us asked if she could also come too. Why not? At the very least it might be nice to have someone help give directions. 

     At 10, I went into our room to ask Ana if she was ready to leave. She was not. She was putting on a nail treatment on her feet and said it would need time to dry. She said I could leave without her but I felt bad doing that since we were sharing a room. At 10:20, everyone was ready and we finally hit the road. I was a little irritated because I had been up since about 5:30. If I hadn't had to wait for her, I would have been on the road hours ago. 

     The first stop was a cave that I had picked out to go to. When we were buying tickets, Ana looked like she did not want to do this but she didn't say anything. My original plan for the day was to go to the cave, then to the nearby largest radio telescope. However, after the cave, it was almost lunchtime. I didn't bother asking if they wanted to go see the telescope, they were more interested in getting lunch and going to the beach. 

Cueva Ventana, or Windo Cave

         We got to the beach and found some street stands to get lunch. I translated the mostly-meat options to Julia. She gave me a strange look. 

        "Are you vegetarian?" I asked. 

       She nodded her head. We drove around to several different restaurants and looked at the menus. It took three tries to find one that she wanted to eat at. After we found something to eat, we ended our day with sunset on the beach. 

Just one of the many beautiful beaches in Puerto Rico

         At the end of the day, it wasn't a bad day. However, it occurred to me that I would have done things differently if it had just been me. I had come to Puerto Rico be by myself and with just a couple of days left on the trip, I hadn't spent much time solo. When I was first settling in, it was nice to have people in the hostel give suggestions and offer to go do things with me. It was also sometimes nice to have someone around to help with directions. Although Ana's directions of "drive towards the ocean" weren't overly helpful when you're on an island. As the week had gone on though, I found myself craving time by myself but felt guilty for declining social invitations. I had wanted to go on a solo trip so I could do what I wanted and I wouldn't have to accommodate other people. On my trip, I still found myself accommodating other people. The worst part of it was I wasn't working to accommodate friends or family members, these people were strangers I would never see again.  

       The next morning I was determined to get some solo time on my solo vacation and to not spend another day accommodating other people. I left as soon as I got up. I got in the car and just started driving. There was something that I noticed when I was by myself: I stopped asking for permission. I had a destination in mind but I made several side trips and stops along the way. The next day I also spent by myself. I  took my time exploring the forts of San Juan, stopping frequently to take pictures. If I saw a store I wanted to go in, I went in it. I didn't need to ask somebody if it was okay or let someone know. It was liberating. My last full day in Puerto Rico I went to see Hamilton by myself. The last three days of my vacation were my favorite because I could do exactly what I wanted to do because I didn't have to think of anyone besides myself. I gave myself permission to do what I wanted to do.

The view of Old San Juan from one of the forts. I stopped to take a lot of pictures when I was by myself. 

      Admittedly, I'm guilty of being overly-accommodating to other people. I'm also guilty of not giving myself permission to put my wants and needs first. I think this comes from a couple of different places. As a woman, it is engrained that we should do things to make others comfortable. This includes things from being a good hostess to moving off the sidewalk if someone is walking towards you. In the classroom, the needs of my students are frequently prioritized over my own. I've given up personal time hunting down lost lunchboxes, talking to a parent or colleague with concerns about a student, or setting up for science labs. As a friend, I have been the person that people come to talk to about their issues. I am grateful that people feel like they can come to talk to me, but it sometimes comes at the cost of frequently putting the needs of others before my own. Making people comfortable, being considerate of students, and listening to friends aren't bad actions. However, they can be harmful when they are constantly put in front of your own mental, emotional, or physical health. I have often felt emotionally exhausted and burnt out from taking care of others over myself. 

     I took this trip in January, a time for new beginnings. I'm not one for resolutions, but made the point that in the new year I could stand to be a little bit more selfish. I could give myself permission to do more to put myself first, from voicing and doing what I wanted to do to be okay with doing things by myself. I had a place I wanted to start too.

Jonathan van Ness serving up some realness on Queer Eye. 

    The summer before I left for El Salvador, I met with my friend Monica at a local bakery. We met there almost weekly to eat, talk about books and publishing, and write. It came up in the conversation about how our friend Jon was getting his MFA in writing for children and young adults. 

     "You should apply," Monica urged. 

     Our meal ended again with the action steps we were going to take.

     "So, you're going to apply for Hamline," Monica said again. (Writers are the most supportive group of people you will ever meet.) The seed was planted. 

     My initial reaction to her telling me to apply was I can't do that. In some ways, it seemed frivolous.  Many writers debate the usefulness of an MFA. You don't need an MFA to be a writer. Currently, I am debt-free and it would possibly mean going in debt to pursue the degree. But for me, the program was not only about improving my writing. It's about giving myself permission to put writing first. Writing is something that I have always wanted to do, so it was also giving me permission to put myself first. The program is a low-residency, which means the majority is done remotely. I go to campus for a week-long residency in July and January. While I wouldn't necessarily have needed to move back to the U.S., I felt it was necessary to put writing first. When I lived in Minneapolis previously, I found myself surrounded by such a strong writing community. 

     So I did it. I applied and got in and already finished my first residency. Who gave me permission to make writing a priority in my life? I guess I did. 

A Statistical Abstract of El Salvador

This is inspired and modeled after "Statistical Abstract for my Home of Spokane, Washington."  by Jess Walter. 

A Statistical Abstract of El Salvador

1. I moved back to Minneapolis in mid-June after living for two years in El Salvador. I called my grandma with my new U.S. phone. “I’m glad you’re back in the United States. It sounds like Central America is maybe not the best place to be right now. One hears things,” she said.

2. She’s not the only one who hears things. When I would go home for winter and summer break people were always curious. I saw on the news . . . Is it safe? Are the gangs really that bad?

3. One hears things from U.S. news.

4. In 2018, San Salvador was ranked the seventeenth most dangerous city in the world due to high homicide rates.

5. It’s in good company. St. Louis was ranked thirteenth. Baltimore was ranked twenty-first.

6. I moved to El Salvador in July of 2017. The school grounds are huge and are fenced in with vigilantes, or guards, at all of the entrances. I lived in the complejo, or compound, that housed all the international staff. There was a vigilante at the street entrance. The other entrance was inside the school and required a fingerprint to unlock the door.

8. During orientation, we asked about safety. We were told that the gangs probably wouldn't bother us. We were told that the worst that would happen to us was that we would get robbed. They don't really bother foreigners. 

9. They didn't say what's implied. (You're white.)

12. If I came into the complejo with a friend or an Uber, I needed to roll down the window and stick my head out so the vigilante saw me and let the car through the gate. The vigilantes rotated through all of the different entrances of the school every three months. Some might have known who I was but when I stuck my head out the window they could see that I was obviously a foreigner.

13. When friends came over, the vigilante checked and held onto their ID. We are not allowed to have local guests in the complejo between the hours of 12 AM to 5 AM for “safety reasons.”

10. I experienced a lot of white privilege in El Salvador.

11. (And everywhere.)

14. My second year in El Salvador a security person from the U.S. Embassy came to talk to us about living safely in El Salvador. He said that while homicides were down, disappearances were up. He told us about the “Color Code of Mental Awareness.” This mental process was developed by the U.S. military and is used by defense instructors to measure preparedness for action.

15. There are five conditions, which are represented by colors.  White means you are unaware of your surroundings and unprepared for potential threats. Yellow means you are relaxed, but alert. It goes all the way down to black, which is you are in a blind state of panic and are unable to react. He said you never want to be in a situation where you get to black and can't respond to a threat. 

16. He told us to think about the worst thing we could imagine happening to us and plan our reaction. It reminded me of an assignment I was assigned in high school English class. We were reading "Paradise Lost." We had to design our own paradise, then plan what our fall would be from our own paradise. I couldn’t imagine what the worst thing happening to me would be so I couldn’t plan a reaction to it.

17. My color was white in the complejo where I rarely wore shoes or locked our door. When someone messaged our complejo chat to see if someone could borrow X. The response was usually, “we do, you can walk in our house and get it.”

18. Leah and I were yellow when we walked for twenty minutes from our house to Mister Donut and Dollar City our first year. "You went where?" people asked us. "People get shot on that street all the time." We shrugged, it seemed okay when we went. We also went on a Sunday morning when most people were at church. 

20. I was yellow when we walked around parks and saw men with machetes.

21. I’m fairly certain that on any given day in El Salvador, there are more adult men per capita with machetes than in any other place in the world. While they can be used as a weapon or for protection, the gardeners at our school use them to weed whack or to carve the topiary with the school letters.

19. I was yellow when I walked weekly to the grocery store by myself. On my way to Super Selectos I passed several vigilantes standing outside of stores and restaurants with shotguns. They smiled and said “buenas días” to me as I passed.

21. A survey conducted in 2017 said that 42% of people in the United States live in a household with a gun. About 40,000 people died from gun-related in the U.S. in 2017.

23. At every elementary school I taught at in the U.S, we practiced several lock-down drills throughout the school year.

23. The school I taught at was a private school that served mostly very wealthy families of El Salvador. The students had nannies and drivers and tutors. They lived in gated colonias and had lake houses and beach houses.

24. This past year we had our first lockdown drill at the school. “We are practicing this in case there is someone in the school who wants to hurt people,” I told my students. They had a lot of questions. What if the robber comes in through the window? How do we know if the robber is gone? What happens if the robber takes all the stuff from school?

25. The security person from the embassy asked us to conjure the worst scenario in our heads. My students had to think of the worst villain in their heads. The worst person they could conjure was a robber.

22. There have been fourteen school shootings in the United States so far in 2019 with deaths or injuries.

26. There’s a lot of privilege that comes with being wealthy in El Salvador.

27. (and everywhere.)

28. There were maybe two times when I was orange. In that state, a potential threat is identified and you mentally prepare an action. I lived in whites and yellows and so did my students. Living with frequent safety threats was never my reality in El Salvador but it is for many.

29. I have local friends who have been robbed multiple times. My friend got robbed three times taking the bus. My friends always spoke about getting robbed with such nonchalance.

31. One of my friends helped me figure out how to get a VISA to go to Brazil. To get a VISA I needed to pay about $200, go to a bank and get a check, provide proof of employment including pay stubs, and set up an appointment with the Brazilian Embassy with all my documentation. “I don’t know if I want to do this,” I told my friend. “It seems like a lot of work.”

33. He responded by saying that’s what he has to do to go to most places, including Mexico.

33. To get a tourist VISA to visit the U.S, the first step is filling out an application. It costs $160. You need to get a check from the bank for this. You need to schedule an appointment with the U.S. Embassy for an interview. At the interview, you need to have current proof of income, tax payments, property or business ownership, or assets. You need a travel itinerary and/or other explanation about your planned trip with the assurance that you will not overstay your VISA. You also need a letter from your employer detailing your position, salary, how long you have been employed, any authorized vacation, and the business purpose, if any, of your U.S. trip and Criminal/court records pertaining to any arrest or conviction anywhere, even if you completed your sentence or were later pardoned. This process can take several months.

34. In 2015, 46% of people from El Salvador were denied a tourist VISA to the U.S.

32. Before I went they changed the policy, so U.S. citizens just needed to submit an application and $40.

33. There is a lot of privilege that comes with being a U.S. citizen in Central and South America.

34. (and everywhere).

35. I complained about work to the same friend who helped me with my VISA to Brazil. His response was, “but you can leave.”

36. A different friend was supposed to get his VISA in October of this past year. His girlfriend moved back to the United States because it seemed like it was a sure thing. October passed, and his lawyer continued to tell him that it would be longer. His family got a VISA and moved to the United States in February but he was processed separately because he was an adult. They said it could be years until he got his VISA.

37. He was going to school and had to stop school because he could not afford both tuition and a plane ticket if his VISA came in. He also needed to be ready to leave quickly after being granted his VISA.

38. While some people are able to wait to get a VISA to go to the United States, others can’t.

39. While my friend Kristen was visiting, we went to a more rural part of El Salvador. Our tour guide told us the story of two boys who were friends. One of the boys joined a gang. He asked his friend to join. His friend said no. The boy asked his friend to join again. His friend responded no. Our guide told us that the gang does not ask people to join four times. The third time a gang asks someone to join you join or you run away or you are killed.

40. Red means that you must assume you will need to take action to neutralize any and all threats. I couldn’t imagine the worst thing that could happen to me and what my response would be. Many people who live in reds in El Salvador and Central America can.

41. So when my grandma or someone asks if I felt safe living in El Salvador I tell them yes. But I am white and financially stable and a U.S. citizen and there is a lot of privilege that comes with those things in El Salvador.

42. (and everywhere.)

43. One hears things from U.S. news.

44. One day another teacher came up to Leah and me in the mailroom. “What’s going on in your country?” She asked us concerned. We didn't ask her to specify what it was. It could have been any number of things going on in our country. “I’m praying for your country,” she told us.

45. One hears things from El Salvador news too.