I Feel Like

       Conversations with my friend Jacob will sometimes fall into a pattern. He will bring up a topic. 
       "I feel like . . ." will usually be my response with my opinions on the topic. 
       "You feel?" He asks jokingly. 
He has the right to joke about this. I say this a lot. Usually because I am just saying my opinion or because I am not quite sure whether my facts are correct. Still when I could say "I think" or "I believe" or "in my opinion," but it always comes back "I feel." 
        Earlier in the year, after many of these conversations, we compared our Myers-Briggs personality inventory. We had similar results. He was a INTP, while I was a INFP.  The one letter difference is on how we supposedly make decisions. He is a T, said to make decisions with thinking and logic. I am an F, said to make decisions based on feelings. We laughed that once again it circled back to how I feel. At first I was skeptical of this result. As a woman especially, I have felt that I often show the correct emotions at the correct times. I don't cry often. I am not overly expressive, except around those that I know very well. It takes a lot to make me angry.  How could I make decisions based on feelings, when my range of feelings feels so small? 


        While thinking about this more, I found it is is true. I do make decisions based on feelings, it just isn't based on my feelings of emotions. My feelings take the form of a voice in my head. Now when people usually mention voices in their head, it is as a joke about mental health issues. Whether you call this voice your conscience or God or your inner compass or just your brain, that voice is valuable. It tells me "this is right" or "it is time." It gives me all the feelings I need. In one Facebook post(https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/photos/a.356148997800555.79726.227291194019670/1188021294613317/?type=3), Elizabeth Gilbert writes about that inner voice that she also hears. She mentions a friend in academia who was interviewing accomplished women on their success. She asked them questions how they had gotten so far they gave the usual answers. But then, they asked to turn off the recorder and go off the record. Every single one of them said that they heard a voice telling them what to do next, and they listened. So, I listen to this voice inside. 
           Although sometimes, that voice goes dormant. I listen to it, but it doesn't respond. I get anxious. I don't know what I want. I can't make decisions. The voice eventually comes back though, even if it is just a whisper saying "not this." So,  it says "not this" and I will leave a job without having another one lined up. It says "not this" and I will pack up and move to a new city. It will say "not this" even though I don't know what I want, but I know it isn't this. (Elizabeth Gilbert also has a great post on this that I revisit frequently. Read it here. (https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/posts/1004594839622631:0)

Here is a poem by Shel Silverstein, that also talks about the inner voice. 

        In January I had to make the decision of whether or not to stay in Taiwan at my current position. I was offered a contract in November. I didn't hear the voice and I couldn't make a decision. I move so much, wouldn't it be nice to stay in one place for awhile? Leaving would mean saying goodbye to my students and a country I love. In December, I heard the voice say "not this," so I said no without another job lined up. I interviewed for a school in Germany and was offered a position. I did not have a good feeling about this school. The voice told me again "not this." I said no even though I had no other offers or any other prospects of jobs. I was discouraged, but trusted that something else would come along. I had a few interviews, but I wasn't having strong feelings about any of the schools I talked with. 
       Then, things started to click into place. I had signed up for two international job fairs. Although I could not physically attend the fair, schools could access my profile and contact me for interviews. While in Japan with my parents, the first of these two job fairs was happening. I was discouraged because these schools would likely hire everyone at the fair. While in Japan with my parents, I got several e-mails from schools. None of them seemed appealing. They were mostly in places I didn't want to live or go to. I told my mom that I had heard from a school in Honduras, but was going to turn it down because I wanted to live somewhere safer. 
       "Kristin, we really liked when we went to Honduras. You should research these places before you automatically reject them. They might not be as dangerous as you think." 
         I researched the city where the school was located in Honduras. It was up until very recently the murder capital of the world. I e-mailed them back saying I was not interested, but was at least trying to keep an open mind. I heard from a school in Columbia. I was keeping an open mind. I e-mailed them to ask some follow-up questions about the school. They said they would prefer to answer the questions over Skype. I skyped with the principal. The school was in a gated, mining community of 3000 people. Hard pass. At the end of the interview the principal asked when when I would be getting to the fair (this was the second fair now). I told him I wasn't able to go. He said I should let the fair know, so they could update my profile. I let the fair know. 
        When my parents were in Taiwan I got an e-mail from a school in El Salvador. I was keeping an open mind. The school said that they saw my profile. They were very sad that I wasn't attending the fair, but wanted to do a Skype interview. They said I matched what they were looking for in a candidate. I got up very early to have a Skype interview. The next day I interviewed with the elementary principal. She asked me where their school was on my list. I said it was my top pick. She said that I was their top candidate.  The director of the school had worked in Shakopee and Fargo. It was a third grade position, which is my favorite grade. Finally, I had feelings. Finally, I heard the voice that said, "this is right." They offered me the job and I accepted. 

This was taken at the Pinxi Lantern Festival shortly after I accepted the job. Picture by Tyler. 

Shortly after I accepted the job, I went to the Pinxi Lantern Festival. During this festival, people will write their hopes for the new year on a lantern. They light it and then it floats off into the sunset. The colors represent different meanings. The white is for a bright future. I write all of my hopes for the rest of this school year and the upcoming school year on my lantern. A man helped me light it. "1,2,3, . . . dreams come true," he said as it floated into the air. Although El Salvador is going to be very different from Taiwan. The voice inside my head tells me "this is right." I feel like it is the right decision and it will be good.